Monday, March 20, 2006

Fear of Weakness

Last night when I was hanging out with friends, someone suggested we each share one of our fears. When it came around to me, I couldn't think of anything I was willing to share. The second question was, If you could change one thing about your personality, what would it be? (In other words, What is one of your weaknesses?) Again, my answer was pathetic.

I look back now and realize that my "unresponses" answered both questions perfectly. That is, one of my weaknesses is to fear how people will respond if I make myself vulnerable.

When I consider James 5:16 ("confess your sins to each other and pray for each other so that you may be healed"), it's a shame that I passed up such a good opportunity. Indeed, the Holy Spirit has been working overtime recently to show me how wracked with weaknesses I really am. Arrogance and everything surrounding that. Seeking great things for myself. A too-frequent lack of wisdom and restraint. A severe shortage of grace for others. Oversensitivity to others' criticism (which is often close to the truth, if not right on). The list goes on.

But as if my weaknesses (i.e., sin, shortcomings, etc) aren't enough, as I think about it, I am overwhelmed even with my weakness as a confessor. That is:
-I like to compare myself to others and think and hope I'm not that bad (or when I'm extra-arrogant, still better)
-I'm willing to confess if I can "balance" it with a strength (e.g., I have trouble getting up early, but I have a lot of self-discipline after that)
-I am quicker to confess sins that I [think I] have improved on because "I'm better now"
-Sometimes I want to confess primarily because it'll make me feel better (not because I offended God or another person)
-I prefer to confess when the other person will confess back
-I like to confess if it will make me look humble

Ouch. Talk about hypocrisy.

Lord, thank you for your mercy. And help me to realize more and more that the fact you call me a saint (!) is thanks to nothing but your grace.

The LORD is compassionate and gracious,
Slow to anger and abounding in lovingkindness
- Psalm 103:8
ar TORONTO, CANADA | 2023+

APRIL


MAY

27 Sat (1) 11am Commencement speaker at R. University, (2) ~3pm+ time w/ V/AR+
29 Mon (1) 9:30am VT prayer, (2) 3pm mtg DerCh - Mississauga
30 Tue (1) 10am ph call (AA), (2) 5:30pm video mtg (IsTan), (3) 8pm neighbourhood prayer mtg

JUNE
1 Thu (1) 11:30am Zoom mtg (LM), (2) 4pm mtg (VS,KBr)
2 Fri (1) 10:30am ph call (PVDW; SL w/ boys; ~J working)
3 Sat SL w/ boys and MG
5 Mon (1) 9:30am VT prayer mtg, (2) 2pm Europe call, (3) 5pm mtg/walk (YM)
6 Tue (1) 11:30am lunch (GD) - St. Jacobs, (2) 4pm mtg (AF) - Cambridge, (3) 7:30pm worship night
9 Fri ~J's b'day
10 Sat North Bay trip
13 Tue 11am mtg (DAy) (~J school trip w/ ~Co | text BD)
14 Wed 9:30am time w/ BD
15 Thu 4:30pm video mtg (Paul T.)
16 Fri (1) 9am video med appt, (2) 15-km run (Prayer Journey "warm-up")
17 Sat Prayer Journey (my own: 50km GTA bike-ride; Jessie's: 5KM) and speaking at GTA after-party
23-25 Fri-Sat poss. SL
26 Mon 2pm Europe monthly call
29 ... July 7 Thu-Fri poss. holiday in Arkansas

JULY
... 7 Thu-Fri poss. holiday in Arkansas
~8-17 SA+ in Toronto; P/H Bell likely visiting too
15 Sat aft+ baptism (Saj; NaB may be coming)
17-21 Mon-Fri Kids Kapers camp
24 Mon 2:45pm med. appt
26 Wed (1) 11am video mtg (SM), (2) 3pm Zoom mtg (SMa,SB), (3) 7pm ~J speaking at Greenhouse/Zoe - UofT downtown
27 Thu 10am video MVT board mtg
31 Mon 3:05pm med. appt
July/Aug CCWM board mtg / AGM

AUGUST
2 Wed 11am video mtg (SM+)
6-12 Sun-Fri Cottage w/ O/DN+ and UB/AC - Windermere; plus Muskoka
19 Sat poss. ~J fam beach day - Brighton area
25-29 Fri-Tue MoveIn staff retreat - southern Ontario

2023+
Sep 21 Thu - MVT board mtg
Sep 23 Sat poss. date of GV memorial
Sep 24 Sun ~Ch's b'day
Sep ~26-28 Poss. time in Lushnjë, Albania
Sep 29 - Oct 6 MoveIn Europe Conference+ - Durrës, Albania
Oct 21 Sat poss./unlikely date of GV memorial
Oct 21-27 Dollar-a-Day week
Early Nov Poss. fundraising event - Niagara
Nov-Jan Poss. time in India - Goa; Philippines - Manila+; Indonesia - Jakarta/Bali; LA/San Diego